"The Long Lead Story" quotes

Matt: "Oh holy mother of God, I'm eating it. ... This would be a lot easier if you weren't staring at me."
Martha: "Huh?"
Matt: "I said this would be easier if you weren't staring at me."
Martha: "I bet it would. You drawing a blank?"
Matt: "Yeah."
Martha: "Isn't it the worst?"
Matt: "Yeah."
Martha: "What are you gonna do?"
Matt: "What do you mean?"
Martha: "To get going again?"
Matt: "Well, I'm gonna ask you to stop talking."
Martha: "Sure." (pause) "Didn't help, did it?"
Matt: "Yeah, I really need you to be someplace else."
Martha: "Total access or there's no story."
Matt: "I don't care if there's no story. I care if there's no show in 21 hours."
Martha: "20 hours, 38 minutes."

Tom: "Excuse me, Wardrobe wanted you to approve this."
Matt: "Yeah, it's good." (pause) "Hang on. It's supposed to be a lobster costume, right?"
Tom: "Yeah."
Matt: "Yeah, then it's fine."
Tom: "Great."

Martha: "I know what you meant. I was doing a dangling modifier joke."
Matt: "Yeah, I stopped doing that to people in high school after the fourth time I got stuffed in my locker."

Martha: "So here's my question. Is the fear of failure on such a massive scale a helpful motivation?"
Matt: "You really wouldn't rather be in Baghdad right now?"

Martha: "I like talking to you guys late at night. You get pretty dopey."

Danny: "I don't think his show is quite right for your network."
Jordan: "Why?"
Danny: "It's good."
Jordan: "You're right. I can't imagine why I think you don't respect me."

Harriet: "Well, everyone here is a big fan of yours, Martha."
Martha: "Really?"
Harriet: "Yeah."
Martha: "How would I be referred to in your parents' house?"
Harriet: "The devil's whore from Washington."
Martha: "Yeah. I'm actually the devil's whore from Bethesda."

Harriet: "I'm sorry, Pat Robertson has taken to predicting the weather and boasting of being able to leg lift a Lincoln Navigator. That's not attacking religion. That's attacking preposterousness."
Martha: "Would you have a problem doing a sketch about premarital sex?"
Harriet: "I don't have a problem having premarital sex. It might be the only sex I ever have, and I just gave you your pull quote so can I go home?"

Martha: "You became a Christian and a comedian at the same time."
Harriet: "Roughly."

Harriet: "It's a beautiful instrument."
Martha: "Sting or the lute?"

Danny: "We have got to rebuild this theater."
Matt: "Well, we're on TV in an hour and five minutes so I don't think now's the best time."

Danny: "Trust me. Trust my face."
Matt: "You are..."
Danny: "Twice divorced."
Matt: "And you have..."
Danny: "No one in my life at the moment."
Matt: "And you haven't for..."
Danny: "Quite some time."
Matt: "Okay."

Danny: "We really are gonna rebuild this theater."
Matt: "'Kay, well, I'm gonna rewrite three sketches, then I'll grab my toolbelt and get on that."

Martha: "Simon, you got a minute?"
Simon: "For a rectal probe?"
Martha: (laughs) "Yeah."

Jordan: "Who said that?"
Jack: "Who said what?"
Jordan: "'If you want me to cook the meal, you've gotta let me shop for the groceries.'"
Jack: "Bill Parcells."
Jordan: "Who's that?"
Jack: "Football coach who hasn't won a playoff game in nine years."

Martha: "Is that the bat?"
Matt: "What bat?"
Martha: (laughs) "I'll say this for you guys - you look out for each other. You're not very good at doing it, but it's nice to see the effort."

Martha: "I know that half this country hates the other half, and I know that for 90 minutes a week, you and Harriet come together."

Jordan: "There's nothing wrong with the medium, just some of the content. And there's only one way to change that."

"The Cold Open" quotes

Danny: "I made the decision for you. You'll find I'll be making a lot of them."

Matt: "Wait a second. The caller from Toluca Lake with the 'Barbra Streisand-loving' - was she calling us Hollywood liberals or was she calling us gay?"
Danny: "It's a pretty fine distinction."
Matt: "Yeah."

Matt: "By the way, this latest career move of ours?"
Danny: "Pretty stupid?"
Matt: "Yeah."

Danny: "Stick around, okay? When we're done, I need to choke you to death."
Jordan: "You bet."

Jeannie: "Hayes."
Harriet: "Jeannie with the light brown hair."
Jeannie: "You ready for this?"
Harriet: "The new executive producers, the media frenzy, the pressure on this week's show, or working for my ex-boyfriend?"
Jeannie: "Talk to me. Or do we just let Jesus be our co-pilot?"
Harriet: "No. My mom used to say, 'If Jesus is your co-pilot, you should trade seats.'"

Veronica (reporter): "Jordan, did you know about this when you hired him?"
Jordan: "I can't remember. I was high at the time."
(silence)
"You all thought I was funnier at the beginning of the press conference."

Danny: "I know what we talked about. But I told the truth, right then, instead of having it come out in drips, which is what was gonna happen, Jack. Plus, I'm a recovering drug addict. Honesty's a good idea for me."
Jack: "Well, I' m sure I speak for all the shareholders when I say your self-esteem is our highest priority."

Jack: "The rapture's what I think it is, right? When the world comes to an end, believers go up in a spaceship?"
Jordan: "It's not a spaceship, it's Jesus Christ."
Matt: "What happens to nonbelievers?"
Jordan: "You get thrown down into a fiery pit."
Matt: "Can we just do that now?"
Jack: "Incredibly, he's the only one who held it together. Now, if anyone can think of any ways to screw up that we haven't tried already, I'll be in my office."

Danny: "You raised the bar a little high, don't you think?"
Jordan: "Did I?"
Matt: "You did."
Jordan: "I raised the bar high."
Danny: "Yes."
Jordan: "Oh, sorry. Clear it."

Matt: "How did it know?"
Danny: "How'd it know what?"
Matt: "Exactly how much time was left in the week?"
Danny: "Yeah, it's a miracle of technology that we've invented an electronic device that can count backwards from seven."
Matt: "But it was off."
Danny: "It has a battery."
Matt: "So it always knows."
Danny: "I doubt the thing has special powers, Matt. It's a clock."

Jack: "The world has to come to an end?"
Shelley: "For the rapture?"
Jack: "Yes."
Shelley: "Yes."
Jack: "So there's a percentage of the population hoping that the world will come to an end?"
Shelley: "Yes."
Jack: "You'd think they'd be rooting us on."

Matt: "Look at that."
Danny: "Yeah."
Matt: "You know, in an hour and a half, it'll be empty again."
Danny: "Would you, you know, would you just enjoy the moment? Would you please just live in what's happening right now and not time travel to the next...man, could you be just a little more Jewish?"

Matt: "The audience was standing out in the heat for a pretty long time. People don't laugh as much when they're hot because they're sticky and uncomfortable."
Danny: "Alright, good pep talk."