"The Cold Open" quotes

Danny: "I made the decision for you. You'll find I'll be making a lot of them."

Matt: "Wait a second. The caller from Toluca Lake with the 'Barbra Streisand-loving' - was she calling us Hollywood liberals or was she calling us gay?"
Danny: "It's a pretty fine distinction."
Matt: "Yeah."

Matt: "By the way, this latest career move of ours?"
Danny: "Pretty stupid?"
Matt: "Yeah."

Danny: "Stick around, okay? When we're done, I need to choke you to death."
Jordan: "You bet."

Jeannie: "Hayes."
Harriet: "Jeannie with the light brown hair."
Jeannie: "You ready for this?"
Harriet: "The new executive producers, the media frenzy, the pressure on this week's show, or working for my ex-boyfriend?"
Jeannie: "Talk to me. Or do we just let Jesus be our co-pilot?"
Harriet: "No. My mom used to say, 'If Jesus is your co-pilot, you should trade seats.'"

Veronica (reporter): "Jordan, did you know about this when you hired him?"
Jordan: "I can't remember. I was high at the time."
(silence)
"You all thought I was funnier at the beginning of the press conference."

Danny: "I know what we talked about. But I told the truth, right then, instead of having it come out in drips, which is what was gonna happen, Jack. Plus, I'm a recovering drug addict. Honesty's a good idea for me."
Jack: "Well, I' m sure I speak for all the shareholders when I say your self-esteem is our highest priority."

Jack: "The rapture's what I think it is, right? When the world comes to an end, believers go up in a spaceship?"
Jordan: "It's not a spaceship, it's Jesus Christ."
Matt: "What happens to nonbelievers?"
Jordan: "You get thrown down into a fiery pit."
Matt: "Can we just do that now?"
Jack: "Incredibly, he's the only one who held it together. Now, if anyone can think of any ways to screw up that we haven't tried already, I'll be in my office."

Danny: "You raised the bar a little high, don't you think?"
Jordan: "Did I?"
Matt: "You did."
Jordan: "I raised the bar high."
Danny: "Yes."
Jordan: "Oh, sorry. Clear it."

Matt: "How did it know?"
Danny: "How'd it know what?"
Matt: "Exactly how much time was left in the week?"
Danny: "Yeah, it's a miracle of technology that we've invented an electronic device that can count backwards from seven."
Matt: "But it was off."
Danny: "It has a battery."
Matt: "So it always knows."
Danny: "I doubt the thing has special powers, Matt. It's a clock."

Jack: "The world has to come to an end?"
Shelley: "For the rapture?"
Jack: "Yes."
Shelley: "Yes."
Jack: "So there's a percentage of the population hoping that the world will come to an end?"
Shelley: "Yes."
Jack: "You'd think they'd be rooting us on."

Matt: "Look at that."
Danny: "Yeah."
Matt: "You know, in an hour and a half, it'll be empty again."
Danny: "Would you, you know, would you just enjoy the moment? Would you please just live in what's happening right now and not time travel to the next...man, could you be just a little more Jewish?"

Matt: "The audience was standing out in the heat for a pretty long time. People don't laugh as much when they're hot because they're sticky and uncomfortable."
Danny: "Alright, good pep talk."