"The Long Lead Story" quotes

Matt: "Oh holy mother of God, I'm eating it. ... This would be a lot easier if you weren't staring at me."
Martha: "Huh?"
Matt: "I said this would be easier if you weren't staring at me."
Martha: "I bet it would. You drawing a blank?"
Matt: "Yeah."
Martha: "Isn't it the worst?"
Matt: "Yeah."
Martha: "What are you gonna do?"
Matt: "What do you mean?"
Martha: "To get going again?"
Matt: "Well, I'm gonna ask you to stop talking."
Martha: "Sure." (pause) "Didn't help, did it?"
Matt: "Yeah, I really need you to be someplace else."
Martha: "Total access or there's no story."
Matt: "I don't care if there's no story. I care if there's no show in 21 hours."
Martha: "20 hours, 38 minutes."

Tom: "Excuse me, Wardrobe wanted you to approve this."
Matt: "Yeah, it's good." (pause) "Hang on. It's supposed to be a lobster costume, right?"
Tom: "Yeah."
Matt: "Yeah, then it's fine."
Tom: "Great."

Martha: "I know what you meant. I was doing a dangling modifier joke."
Matt: "Yeah, I stopped doing that to people in high school after the fourth time I got stuffed in my locker."

Martha: "So here's my question. Is the fear of failure on such a massive scale a helpful motivation?"
Matt: "You really wouldn't rather be in Baghdad right now?"

Martha: "I like talking to you guys late at night. You get pretty dopey."

Danny: "I don't think his show is quite right for your network."
Jordan: "Why?"
Danny: "It's good."
Jordan: "You're right. I can't imagine why I think you don't respect me."

Harriet: "Well, everyone here is a big fan of yours, Martha."
Martha: "Really?"
Harriet: "Yeah."
Martha: "How would I be referred to in your parents' house?"
Harriet: "The devil's whore from Washington."
Martha: "Yeah. I'm actually the devil's whore from Bethesda."

Harriet: "I'm sorry, Pat Robertson has taken to predicting the weather and boasting of being able to leg lift a Lincoln Navigator. That's not attacking religion. That's attacking preposterousness."
Martha: "Would you have a problem doing a sketch about premarital sex?"
Harriet: "I don't have a problem having premarital sex. It might be the only sex I ever have, and I just gave you your pull quote so can I go home?"

Martha: "You became a Christian and a comedian at the same time."
Harriet: "Roughly."

Harriet: "It's a beautiful instrument."
Martha: "Sting or the lute?"

Danny: "We have got to rebuild this theater."
Matt: "Well, we're on TV in an hour and five minutes so I don't think now's the best time."

Danny: "Trust me. Trust my face."
Matt: "You are..."
Danny: "Twice divorced."
Matt: "And you have..."
Danny: "No one in my life at the moment."
Matt: "And you haven't for..."
Danny: "Quite some time."
Matt: "Okay."

Danny: "We really are gonna rebuild this theater."
Matt: "'Kay, well, I'm gonna rewrite three sketches, then I'll grab my toolbelt and get on that."

Martha: "Simon, you got a minute?"
Simon: "For a rectal probe?"
Martha: (laughs) "Yeah."

Jordan: "Who said that?"
Jack: "Who said what?"
Jordan: "'If you want me to cook the meal, you've gotta let me shop for the groceries.'"
Jack: "Bill Parcells."
Jordan: "Who's that?"
Jack: "Football coach who hasn't won a playoff game in nine years."

Martha: "Is that the bat?"
Matt: "What bat?"
Martha: (laughs) "I'll say this for you guys - you look out for each other. You're not very good at doing it, but it's nice to see the effort."

Martha: "I know that half this country hates the other half, and I know that for 90 minutes a week, you and Harriet come together."

Jordan: "There's nothing wrong with the medium, just some of the content. And there's only one way to change that."